You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
