The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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