A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize