I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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