Kiss
Puke
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Let's get the cat blown out
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
