Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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