yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
