Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
