Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize