2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
