Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
