he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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