Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
