The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
