Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
