I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
is wine microwaveable?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
