Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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