god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
