I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
