He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
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wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
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Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.