Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
