Dual....:-)
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
