I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
