...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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