from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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