Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
