Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
