Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
