my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize