I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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