You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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