Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's blow job season.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
