My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
