I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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