now i know why i became what i already was.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
