I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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