we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
