update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
