hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
