The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
