Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
