what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
