good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
