I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
