I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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