Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
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I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
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I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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