Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
