The maid of honor just puked.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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