Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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