i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
