woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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