i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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