In America we eat man semen.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
