I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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