I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
