Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Randomize
