You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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