dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
